Your Kid Needs a Guru

or a coach, mentor, guide, ritual elder, tutor, governess, or trusted advisor - but "guru" makes for a much catchier title

One of the key ingredients for a successful, meaningful rite of passage - and for successfully growing up, in general - is the presence of supportive figures who guide the participants through the experience. These figures, referred to as "ritual elders" in literature on rites of passage, play a crucial role in helping individuals navigate the challenges and uncertainties of the transitions they're going through. They provide guidance, support, and encouragement rooted in their authentic experiences and hard-earned wisdom, and they help the people in their care develop the skills and confidence they need to successfully navigate these transitions.

Unfortunately, in modern societies this role has largely been neglected, overlooked, minimized, or displaced. We've become so reliant on formal, standardized institutions that we've neglected the importance of individualized mentorship and guidance. Many young people today lack access to trusted mentors or guides who can help them navigate the challenges of adolescence and transition into adulthood. Or their access is incomplete - they may have access to some trusted adults, but not the right ones, or not enough of them, or not in the right ways. As society has shifted from a multigenerational, trusting, communal approach to many aspects of life to a more individualistic one over the past century or so, the responsibility of guiding young people through these transitions has increasingly fallen solely onto parents. Parents are a critical factor in young people's develoment, but expecting them to be the sole source of guidance is unrealistic. They may not have the time, resources, support network, experiences, or knowledge to provide everything that their kid needs. Connecting young people with other trusted adults provides them with a broader perspective and a wider range of experiences to draw from.

We've also created a culture that discourages seeking out connections with trusted adults outside of the family or formal institutions, and that equally discourages adults from meaningfully engaging with young people in these roles. This has a lot of potential causes: fear of overstepping boundaries, feeling like they don't know how to provide the necessary support, or simply not recognizing the importance of this role and relying on systems and institutions to meet these needs instead. This can make it difficult for young people to find the support they need. There's a popular conception this is particularly difficult for young people from marginalized or underserved communities, but it may be less of an issue for those in marginalized communities where organic support networks and stronger community ties are more common. Many well-off kids in privileged communities struggle to find trusted mentors or guides who can help them navigate the challenges of adolescence and transition into adulthood, not because they lack support, but because their support is more focused on maintaining appearances or social status than providing genuine support and guidance. Too, as we've done a better job of keeping kids safe from untrustworthy adults, we've also made it harder for them to connect with trustworthy ones. Real transformation requires real vulnerability, and that can be hard to come by in a culture that is so focused on safety and risk-aversion.

Individualized mentorship and guidance for young people is critical, and it's something that we need to prioritize and invest in as a society. This can take many forms, from formal mentoring programs to relatively informal apprenticeships to just connecting with trusted adults in the community. The key is to provide young people with access to supportive figures who can help them navigate the challenges of adolescence and transition into adulthood. By doing so, we can help ensure that young people have the skills, confidence, and support they need to successfully navigate these transitions and thrive in their new social roles.