Your Kid Needs a Guru

or a coach, mentor, guide, ritual elder, tutor, governess, or trusted advisor - but "guru" makes for a much catchier title

One of the key ingredients for a successful, meaningful rite of passage is the presence of supportive figures who guide the participants through the experience. These figures - often referred to as "ritual elders" in anthropological literature - play a crucial role in helping the individual navigate the challenges and uncertainties of the transition. They provide guidance, support, and encouragement, helping the individual to develop the skills and confidence they need to successfully complete the rite of passage and integrate into their new social role.

Unfortunately, in modern societies this role has largely been neglected, overlooked, minimized, or displaced. Many young people today lack access to trusted mentors or guides who can help them navigate the challenges of adolescence and transition into adulthood. We've become so reliant on formal, standardized institutions that we've neglected the importance of individualized mentorship and guidance. And we've created a culture where many adults have learned to avoid taking on this role, This has a lot of potential causes: fear of overstepping boundaries, feeling like they don't know how to provide the necessary support, or simply not recognizing the importance of this role and trusting systems and institutions to meet these needs instead.

Society has mostly shifted the responsibility of guiding young people through these transitions onto parents, who may not have the time, resources, support network, or knowledge to provide the necessary support. And even if they do, parents aren't always the best source of guidance. They may be too close to the situation, have their own biases and blind spots, or simply not have the experience or expertise to provide effective guidance. Connecting young people with other trusted adults provides them with a broader perspective and a wider range of experiences to draw from.

We've also created a culture that often stigmatizes or discourages seeking out connections with trusted adults outside of the family or formal institutions. This can make it difficult for young people to find the support they need. There's a popular conception this is particularly difficult for young people from marginalized or underserved communities, but the truth is that it's a widespread issue that affects young people from all backgrounds - and in fact, may be less of an issue for those in marginalized communities where organic support networks are more common. Many well-off kids in privileged communities struggle to find trusted mentors or guides who can help them navigate the challenges of adolescence and transition into adulthood - they may find themselves surrounded by adults who are more focused on maintaining appearances or social status than providing genuine support and guidance. Too, as we've done a better job of keeping kids safe from untrustworthy adults, we've also made it harder for them to connect with trustworthy ones. Real transformation requires real vulnerability, and that can be hard to come by in a culture that is so focused on safety and risk-aversion.

To address this gap, it's important to recognize the value of individualized mentorship and guidance for young people. This can take many forms, from formal mentoring programs to informal apprenticeships to just connecting with trusted adults in the community. The key is to provide young people with access to supportive figures who can help them navigate the challenges of adolescence and transition into adulthood. By doing so, we can help ensure that young people have the skills, confidence, and support they need to successfully navigate these transitions and thrive in their new social roles.